


Never Look Back

by oxygenlove



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:05:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxygenlove/pseuds/oxygenlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't exactly how Seungri imagined his college life to be. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Look Back

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 'unactivist' in the 'gdkissri' fic exchange. Her prompts were  
> 1) are we meant for each other?  
> 2) please don't be in love with someone else and  
> 3) jiyong tries really really hard not to love seungri.
> 
> Also, spot fandom collisions if you watch Glee :)

  


"Can I be honest with you?"  
 

Seungri avoids Jiyong's gaze because that's the easiest thing to do in this situation. There are a million things he wants to say, a thousand words he wants to hear but he doesn't make any move to speak. Seungri is rooted to the spot and he's barely breathing.  
 

"I think I'm in love with you and I don't like it," Jiyong laughs nervously, tired and amused. “I mean, I don’t like you, you know? You're annoying as hell. But you're also- sort of- _there_. Am I making sense?”  
 

Seungri thinks _No, you don’t, like always, you don't_ but he doesn't dare say it out loud. He just smiles and continues to look up at the stars. One day, he'll fly away and never have to look back.  
 

\--  
 

Youngbae greets him with a cheerful smile the morning after and Seungri knows Jiyong never told anyone, not even his best friend. _Good_ , Seungri thinks. Jiyong's confused. Seungri's confused. They're both confused right now. Nothing will happen because they both can't find each other in this maze they've created where the paths crisscross and nothing is constant. It's not a healthy place to be in, certainly not where Seungri wants to be in.  
 

"Can you help me again? I'm having trouble with this one part and I saw you nail it yesterday," Seungri jumps from his seat in enthusiasm because he can never pass up an opportunity to show his talents. He loves singing, he loves dancing, he loves performing - he _loves_ the stage. That's why he's here, being a theater kid in college instead of becoming a doctor or a businessman. He knows he'll be earning less than what his parents invested for his education but he's happy here. He's happy and that's all that really matters.  
 

"Ah. Youngbae hyung! Sure sure! Which part exactly?"  
 

\--  
 

"I want you to do something stupid," Jiyong unceremoniously sits down on the table in front of Seungri, putting down his lunch tray forcefully, knocking down Seungri's glass of water. “With you, that won't be hard since you _always_ do stupid things on a daily basis anyway.”  
 

Seungri debates with himself for a short moment. Should he get up and leave? Or should he stay and pretend like nothing has happened Monday night? He thinks of their year-long friendship and weighs how much he'll lose if he'll be an asshole and break their ties. Is Jiyong worth the risks? Is Jiyong going to risk things from his side too? Is Jiyong even _aware_ of the risks? Seungri doesn't know. And right now, he particularly doesn't care because he's thirsty and he doesn't have a glass of water.  
 

"Get me a new glass of water, hyung," Jiyong looks at him funny. He's already eaten half of his apple and is now taking off the cap from his frappé. He answers Seungri with a laugh, a condescending look (almost pitiful, actually) and a punch in the arm.  
 

"Sorry, Seungri. I didn't mean to spill your water. Now," Jiyong looks almost excited. "Do something stupid."  
 

"Like what?" Seungri tries his hardest to ignore Jiyong licking the cream off his frappe. It's not easy.  
 

"Like... I don't know," Jiyong looks up at the ceiling as if the answer will fall right through the vents and onto their plates. “Just do something stupid so I can go back to simply hating you without all of these,” he gestures around vaguely, “complicated feelings coming over me every time I see you.”  
 

There’s an awkward split-second silence as those words settle in. Jiyong’s eyes widen a fraction and Seungri’s forehead creases in confusion. This is _not_ what he wants. This is not what either of them wants.  
 

"How about this, hyung - you're _annoying_ as hell," Seungri reaches out, takes Jiyong's frappe and stands up. "I can't stand you sometimes. And this is one of those times."  
 

"Hey _hey_ hey! That's mine!" Jiyong looks up at him from his seat. The older doesn't make a move to stand up and reclaim his drink though.  
 

"No, I just stole it from you, Oh _Great_ Jiyong. It's mine now," Seungri slings his bag over his shoulder and leaves the cafeteria. He doesn’t look back, that’s his motto now – never look back.  
 

\--  
 

Seungri’s phone rings for the 13th time and he’s hesitant to pick it up for the 13th time. Seungri knows who the person on the other end is - it’s Jiyong, the-annoying-kid-from-his-music-club- _Jiyong_ , the-exact-same-person-who-said-he’s-in-love-with-Seungri- _Jiyong_. This isn’t easy. This isn’t how he pictured his college life to be.  
 

He stares at the dance studio’s mirror, sweat covering his face and body. He feels good. This is where he belongs, _this_ is his comfort zone. He starts the music again and starts singing the opening for Act 2.  
 

Somewhere in the room, his phone rings for the 14th time and for the 14th time, Seungri ignores it.  
 

\--  
 

Daesung is surprised to see Seungri in the coffee shop Monday night.  
 

“What are you doing here?”  
 

“Uh, grande non fat mocha.”  
 

“Seungri, I asked what are you doing here.”  
 

“Hyung, I am ordering.”  
 

“No, really, it’s Monday night. You and Jiyong hyung always _always_ are together Monday nights. Did I miss something? Did I skip a day?” Daesung’s eyes go wide. “Oh my god, is it already Tuesday?”  
 

\--  
 

“Jiyong is angry right now. At you, with you, _because_ of you.”  
 

“He should be. I’m avoiding him.”  
 

Seunghyun shakes his head. Seungri smiles and continues reading the book on his lap. If Seungri says something, how will Seunghyun react? The questions in Seungri’s head are full of possible negative answers and he doesn’t want to risk it. So he doesn’t say anything else. It’s not easy because Seungri isn’t the type of person to keep quiet when around people, especially someone as amazing as Seunghyun, an upperclassman that Seungri admires and respects just as much as he did Jiyong. _Not_ that he doesn’t admire and respect Jiyong anymore… it’s just that, things have changed.  
 

“I know Jiyong. I know you. But I have no idea what’s going on between the two of you because you guys seem to not like talking about your private lives and that’s perfectly fine. But Seungri, talk to Jiyong. Sort this out.”  
 

Seungri wonders why couldn’t it have been this guy instead? It would have been so much easier. So _so_ so much easier.  
 

\--  
 

There's a note taped to his fridge when he gets back from his last class.  


  

 _I thought I could do it, just stay friends with you forever. I thought I could be strong and watch over you all through out college and not say anything about what I feel for you. I thought I was doing you a favor for being a good hyung and not ruining your trust.  
 _

 _But-  
 _

 _I love you.  
 _

 _I love you and I don't want to pretend anymore._  


  
  

\--  
 

Seungri spends his afternoon cooped up in his room. He's listening to a recording he did with Jiyong a month before. The track is on loop. Sometimes, Seungri is surprised their voices blend so well together, like it's a sign from the higher ups that he should stop being stubborn and answer Jiyong's calls already.  
 

Seungri is not the type to run. He likes to follow through with everything he has started. Jiyong has made him an inconsistent person, however. Jiyong has made him someone he does not recognize anymore. There are mornings when he feels so incomplete without Jiyong beside him that he marvels on the fact that he was able to survive the past 18 years of his life without Jiyong.  
 

He's scared of the future. But there are things he cannot take back anymore. Never look back.  
 

\--  
 

“You’re avoiding me.”  
 

Seungri knew it. His instincts told him not to come down to the auditorium early but he did and now look at this unfortunate circumstance. He should have known it was only a matter of time before Jiyong finds him.  
 

“You noticed? Cookie for you.”  
 

“Seungri, about that time-“  
 

“Look, hyung. I don’t fucking care,” Seungri swallows thickly, tries his hardest to not let the stinging in his eyes be anymore than what it currently is. “I’m not some kid despite your obvious insisting that I am. I’m 2 years younger than you but that doesn’t make me any less smarter. I get it, okay? I understand. I do I do I do _I do_!”  
 

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Jiyong steps forward, closer and there’s a strange glint in his eyes, a challenge in his voice. “Then why haven’t you been answering my calls? Why didn’t you show up last Monday? I waited, Seungri. I waited until midnight and you _did not_ show up.”  
 

“You don’t like me, remember? You wanted me to do something stupid, remember? That was me doing something stupid,” Seungri is done with this. He turns to walk away but Jiyong is quick to grab his arm.  
 

“I don’t like you. _I don’t_. And that’s the problem because whatever the _fuck_ that you do I always end up falling so hard for you more and more and I can’t stand it,” Jiyong almost hisses it out, almost through gritted teeth. It sounds strange because there’s a pleading tone to his words but Seungri chooses to ignore any more of what may or may not be in Jiyong’s little speeches.  
 

“Let _go_ of me, hyung. We don’t want this conversation to be continued,” Jiyong’s grip tightens and Seungri flinches.  
 

“I want this to be done and over with,” the grip slackens and if Seungri yanks his arm away he can already escape. He can but he doesn’t. Instead, he stays there, in a room about to be filled by a dozen or so other students in the next 30 minutes. “Why, Seungri? Just tell me _why_.”  
 

“You have a girlfriend,” Seungri tries. Jiyong actually laughs.  
 

“You know I broke up with her 2 weeks ago. The same day I kissed you. Right after I kissed you, in fact,” Seungri knows this but he didn’t want to believe it. She is perfect. She and Jiyong were perfect and they broke up because of a stupid misunderstanding and misreading of emotions. “You know and you told me I was being immature about my feelings. But I wasn’t. I am so _fucking_ sure-“  
 

“I’m not!” Seungri shouts and Jiyong steps back. “Hyung, I’m not sure of mine.”  
 

“Seungri, look-“  
 

“No, hyung. You _lo_ -love me,” Seungri’s voice catches as he says the words, they feel so surreal and foreign to his tongue. “That’s nice and all and thank you but I’m not, I don’t, I _mean_ -“  
 

Seungri breaks off midsentence because Jiyong finally lets go of his arm. Jiyong’s face completely changes. His eyes dim and his smile shifts from tense to forced. Realization dawns on his features and Seungri doesn’t like where this is going.  
 

“Hyung…”  
 

“ _Well_ , this makes all sorts of sense now,” Jiyong laughs nervously. “I mean, you and I, _we_ … did I just make everything up in my head? Those times that we- _Seungri-_ "  
 

It's not everyday that Seungri sees the Great Kwon Jiyong break down. He realises he doesn't want to see it happening again because it hurts. Jiyong looks so unsure now, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, biting his lips, eyes darting left and right. Seungri feels an intangible sort of regret wash over him. He's causing this. Seungri's the reason why Jiyong's feeling _all_ of this. It's too much. He can barely believe it but it's happening right before his eyes - the fall of The Mighty - and lowly Seungri is the one who actually pushed him off his pedestal.  
 

"I honestly thought that you also felt the same way," Jiyong continues, breathes once, twice. "You should have just told me that you don’t feel the same way. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble and time and-“  
 

“Hyung-“  
 

“-and heartache. Because seriously, I thought, okay? I mean, you _did_ kiss me back, right? You did. I remember. You did and-“  
 

“Hyung, shut up for a moment here and let me finish.”  
 

Jiyong stops and Seungri rolls his eyes.  
 

“ _Look_ , hyung. I am confused as hell. I came here to study, complete my education, get my diploma and look for work. I'll date around and eventually marry a nice pretty girl and we'll have kids and we'll buy a small apartment somewhere. I'll be doing theater and she'll be doing her thing and we'll be so happy together. _Hyung_. I’ve got it all planned out. I even bought self-help books, hyung."  
 

"Seungri, I'm so-"  
 

“But then you happened. You just popped into my life like- like- _this_. And everything changed. I don't even know anymore," Seungri’s voice softens and Jiyong can’t help but stare. “I have no idea what we were doing, spending every minute of the past year with each other any time we can, annoying the hell out of each other but still sticking together. I don’t know what we were trying to accomplish by star gazing every Monday night or by practically living in each other’s apartment and basically owning what the other owns. I _don’t_ know hyung. We were just doing what felt so right and logical and natural. Whatever we were aiming for… it isn’t _this._  
 

Jiyong's moving closer, and there's a familiar smile on his lips.  
 

“But here we are now. _Look at us_. We’ve come a long way but we’re still standing at the same spot. You tell me you love me and I wish I can say the same because _fuckhyungIdobutIcan’t_. Not now. Not right now, hyung. Not this way. Not like _this_.”  
 

The room is full of questions and answers that the both of them refuses to give. Seungri looks at Jiyong, pleading without asking. Jiyong looks at Seungri, a light of hope shining in his eyes.  
 

“How then? _When?_ ”  
 

“I just want to be sure that this isn’t some phase the both of us are going through. I just want to be sure that _this_ is the right thing to do.”  
 

“Seungri, you idiot,” there’s genuine laughter in Jiyong’s voice now and it makes Seungri smile. “This _is_ a phase. This is the phase where we both are confused of who we are and what we both want. And right _after_ this phase is the one where we are sure of all the previous things we never knew. That is _also_ the phase where we are sure that we are for each other.”  
 

 _We are for each other._  
 

They let the words hang between them for a minute.  
 

Seungri wonders where this will all go. Jiyong seems so sure and yet his words always contradict his actions. Will it be safe to trust him now? Seungri thinks up of an infinite number of questions to ask and he knows not a single one of them will be answered properly by Jiyong. Jiyong will just go on and on about some random metaphor that only makes sense if you know all of his habits and interests (the scary thing is, Seungri knows _everything_ ). It's confusing and exhilarating and frightening.  
 

“What have we gotten ourselves into, hyung?”  
 

Jiyong looks at Seungri with eyes as bright as the first time they ever met. The look brings Seungri back to that first ever Monday night at the observatory, to the feeling of an unknown beat in his heart. It reminded him of the many Monday nights that followed, of meeting for coffee, of hanging out just because. There is a wonderful light feeling starting to overcome him. It gives Seungri a sense of freedom, to see this person he’s always wanted nothing but to be with forever, look at him like he's the only person on earth. It gives Seungri strength that they can both do this, even if just to see Jiyong look at him that way everyday.  
 

“Seungri, I think we may have gotten ourselves in love with each other.”  
 

They both laugh and it is beautiful.  
 

\--  
 

 _Seungri knows this isn't right. He knows he should be pushing Jiyong away but he isn't. Instead, he's kissing back, a hand reaching up to cup Jiyong's face, holding him and caressing his cheek. Seungri tilts his head a little, wanting to go deeper, a whimper escaping from him as he feels Jiyong's tongue touch his lips. He tentatively opens his mouth to welcome Jiyong in and there it is, Jiyong moving closer and closer, breath hitching as he feels Jiyong's hand press harder on his waist.  
 _

 _At the back of his mind, Seungri sees warning signs. He sees the whole year he and Jiyog have spent annoying each other and learning about each other. This kiss, this is the starting point of something they both cannot define.  
 _

 _Never look back.  
 _

 _Seungri chants the mantra in his head as Jiyong pushes him gently down on the blanket, kissing him under the stars.  
 _

 _He knows he'll have regrets, but never look back never look back never look back._  
 

/


End file.
